Las Vegas is an orgy of... it's an orgy. Whatever you want to do for pleasure - we'll try to keep this pg-13 - you can do. And that's just the restaurants. Because it's the center of debauchery in America - not counting Washington, D.C. - many people go for a weekend and get lost in the madness. All of a sudden it's Sunday morning, the room is full of midget wrestlers, two kegs of beer, one of Wayne Newton's toupees and you never saw The Blue Man Group. How did that happen? Having sported a Wayne Newton toupee while doing a kegstand with half of the Cirque Du Soleil gang, I can explain. The place never closes.

I mean just this last week I'm heading to the airport with a 7:30 morning flight out of McCarren and I'm accosted in the elevator by a band of Red Hat ladies who were three tequila shots over the line. They wouldn't let me leave until I agreed to stand on their marble spa tub holding a flaming towel (tequila burns, dontcha know) screeching like a baboon while they peppered me with Barry Manilow cds. These are someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's nana and they're acting like the Vegas revue of "Lord of the Flies." Why? The place never closes.

There's nothing wrong with a primal scream or two -no matter how primal it may be. But if you want to have fun, and it doesn't include getting naked in the Bellagio pool with one of the Flying Elvises (older version), then you have to follow my advice to the letter. No being lazy. Bring the things I have listed below and you'll get out of most jams... and have fun.

We'll break it into the four main food groups of Vegas: Young single men (YSM), young single women (YSW), young married couples (YMC), older married couples (OMC).

What to Bring:

YSM

- Attorney's number

- Bailbondman's number

- Small Medical kit (bleeding is not a good look)

- Fire extinguisher (flaming shots of rum and cheap drapes...)

- Condoms (lightning can strike)

YSW

- Condoms (two words - Seth Rogan)

- Bodyguard (This can be a female friend - Russian shotputter version, circa pre-steroid testing)

- Taser (mace works, too)

- Fake business cards (not a real business card, don't want that mook calling you, do you)

- Local Cab company's number (Run, Lola, run)

YMC

- A Happy Picture (Vegas is intense, something to jog the brain as to why you're married is good)

- Divorce Lawyer's number (Happy picture may not work)

- Favorite toys (picture a hot tub, bottle of wine and three o'clock in the morning - your concierge is Superman or woman but if you have specific needs that need taking care of quickly... bring the stuff yourself)

- Pair of Scissors (can't use a credit card if it's been cut in two)

- Separate Room Keys (while the cat is in the poker room...)

OMC

- Doctor's number (Cracked Vertebrae from Celine Dion screeching)

- Google Map of local Hospitals (Spa tubs are slippery)

- Mortuary numbers (Bobby Flay's food can be spicy)

- Extra undergarments (That Barry Manilow is so sexy)

- Cane (Young women love their grandpas)

The most important weapon in your arsenal is money. Money can get you the quickie divorce after the quickie marriage, it can buy you an instant boyfriend or a new hip (spa tubs are slippery). Keep it on hand and in great supply. Other than that, have fun and if you see me staggering out of a room sporting a boysenberry-flavored g-string, carrying two Shriners and singing Band on the Run, well, it's Vegas, dude.