You've made it to Vegas and want nothing more than to gamble, drink, smoke and gamble some more. If you need to eat, it will be done in conjunction with gambling; burger in one hand, pocket cards in another. Bathroom breaks timed for stoppages in games or tournaments. It is an existence only found in one's dreams. Why? Because you didn't go to Vegas alone. You brought a partner. A female partner. All things aside, there are many positives with having a female partner along for the weekend, most involve the four hours between six and ten in the morning before you return to the tables. Funny how they don't see it that way. Not that they won't be around in those dead table hours for you, but they want something in return. A quid pro quo.

Life is negotiation, especially with a partner. And, in this case, they hold all the cards, or whatever body part you'd rather not part with. You can put the foot down on going shopping with them and maybe negotiate down to a nice dinner at some top chef's joint, but the big prize they want, and likely hold out for, is a show. Yes, three hours without dice, cards or football, burning in Hell looking good right now, how about divorce court or worse, celibacy. Cold chill, damn.

What you need to do is give in but give up as little ground as possible. Remember, we're talking three hours minimum here, this doesn't include dinner, which if you think you're avoiding dinner, we better ask what paint you're huffing. So, the play is to agree but make it as painless as possible, maybe something you could enjoy, too. Understood, that isn't really possible, let's say tolerate.

Before giving you the list, we have two qualifications: 1.) Strip clubs or shows don't count and likely get you in deeper trouble than before. Can you say, Celine Dion... yeah, that much trouble. 2.) Concerts are great, but not always an alternative. That said, planning your trip with a concert both of you want to see is best.

Here's my top-ten alternatives to having her make the decision and you sitting with your ears and eyes bleeding.

1.) Blue Man Group - Funny, loud, edgy, if you're not really edgy and funny and loud. They're the NASCAR of Vegas shows.

2.) SpamAlot - Funny, outrageous and has that Broadway show street cred (is there such a thing) that gives you an edge.

3.) Penn & Teller - Funny (is there a theme here) with a tie-in of the weird and unusual. There's a sense of danger from Penn Jillette that's intriguing.

4.) Cirque du Soleil - Nice part about this is you can suggest it and have her choose which of the 28,002 varieties she wants to see.

These top-4 are the prime. The rest, well, we're veering into dangerous waters.

5.) The Producers - Has the Broadway show street cred (if Tony Danza has street cred) and it's funny, or the movie was funny.

6.) Comedy - Go to see one of the former top comedians: Rita Rudner, George Wallace, Louis Anderson, etc. All were funny back in the day - 1980?

7.) Vegas Regulars Danny Gans/Lance Burton - These guys get paid in chips and free drinks, but they have a real following for comedy (Gans) and magic (Burton).

8.) Hans Klok - Two qualifications: 1.) You must go when Pam Anderson (yes, that Pam Anderson) is his assistant and 2.) You can't mention that Pam Anderson is his assistant.

9.) Elton John - That face you're making is the same one you made when your mother gave you the enema. It's almost rock "n" roll and if it's Elton or Manilow then I'm a tiny dancer.

10.) Mamma Mia/Phantom - Ugh. There better be some real quid pro quo coming in return.

Most important is to negotiate on your terms... so many hours of fun to so many hours of tedium. Good luck, we're in this together.